Lose yourself.

Delight yourself in the Lord,

and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord;

trust in Him,

and He will act.

[...] The steps of a man are established by the Lord,

when he delights in his way [...]

The law of his God is in his heart;

his steps do not slip.

Psalm 37: 4-5; 23; 31

Lose yourself.

It's been a little quiet on this blog, because I was being rebellious. The Lord placed another topic on my heart, as He faithfully does every post, yet I was reluctant to share. It seemed too personal, too vulnerable, too transparent. Yet, if there is one thing that I have learned about the Lord, it is that when He places a call or a word on your life, you'd be stifling your spiritual growth and hoarding from the Body of Christ by keeping it for yourself. So, after much fear and reluctancy, I open up my heart in hopes that Jesus will use it to encourage you and as a testimony to the Grace of God in my life.

Almost a year ago my life was radically different. I was dating the love of my life. I was comfortable singing back-up vocals on the worship team at my church, preferring to hide behind an upright piano. I was fixated on physical therapy school, consumed with living in the coolest city with the most hipster church. I thought I would move to Portland, Oregon, after marrying previously mentioned boyfriend. We'd serve in our local church body, have three kids, love Jesus, and I'd support his dreams of being a pastor while he supported my dreams of physical therapy. I was consumed by this dream. I thought it was the best plan ever. I thought it would be where I would find joy, love, and laughter for the rest of my life.

Yet, God had another plan. See, a man's heart plans his way, but it is the Lord who establishes his steps (Proverbs 16:9). My heart was set on a plan that would keep me comfortable and safe. Yet, Jesus wanted to answer the secret prayers I whispered in the hidden parts of my heart. I asked him for adventure. I asked him for deeper intimacy with him. I asked to be overwhelmed by his presence, so much so that I would overflow. In February 2013 the Lord answered those prayers by giving me a glimpse at the life I could have with him, if I left everything and followed him. He told me He wanted to take me around the world and use my passport for His glory. He told me that He wanted to use my worship and my songs to break chains around the world by the Grace of God.

The crazy thing is that I would never have believed the prophesy I received that February if the Lord had not set the stage for me to receive it. Throughout my life He has spoken words into my life, yet I was reluctant to believe them. I chose to believe the lie from the enemy that I was too timid and ill equipped to be anything interesting. That morning before I was prophesied over I had the most beautiful time with the Lord, reading his word, singing praise to him, and dancing before the Lord. I was like a little girl dancing with her Father. So, when the man who prophesied over me began to describe my intimate moment with the Lord, I started sobbing. I knew it was Jesus speaking to me through this brother in Christ. And then as I listened with open ears, I heard and saw all the prophesies spoken over me align in a beautiful picture of God's Grace in my life. I felt unworthy. It was too beautiful, too great to be intended for me. Yet, that was God's design. He wanted to use me, the weak and timid, so that He could be glorified in all His courage and strength.

When Jesus asks us to come and follow Him, He typically cuts to the heart, revealing our strongholds. When I heard this word from the Lord, he cut straight to my stronghold of comfortability. I felt like the rich young man in Matthew 19, who was so passionate about the ministry of Christ, yet, when told to forsake everything for Jesus, he became sorrowful. For as much encouragement, direction, and excitement this word gave me, it also was counterbalanced with sorrow. I was being called to cut away everything comfortable. I was called to break down the wall of security around my heart. It was terrifying. Yet, almost a year later, I can say confidently that by the Grace and Love of God it was worth it.

I gave up everything that mattered to me at the time. I don't think I have ever sobbed and grieved so much in my short life. I hurt so much that it manifested in physical pain, especially when I would see reminders of my old life, the life I could have had. Yet, Jesus in His Mercy gave me the best encouragement during this time of pruning and preparing for the ministry He was calling me to. He gave me the privilege of going to Malawi, and He used that month in Africa to train me for the ministry he had anointed me for. He used this trip to show what people back home had doubted, calling me an irrational home-body. He used it to demonstrate how physical therapy, worship leading, and global ministry fit together. It was a design my heart would never have thought of, yet Jesus is brilliant and His ideas and His ways are far better than my own.

Since Malawi, Jesus has been using my last two months in Stockton, California, to train me in worship leading. I don't think I have ever had so many worship leading opportunities in my life. Yet, the Lord has told me during this time to accept every opportunity with a joyful heart, knowing that He can use my training time to minister to His body. He is so crazy good.

To top it off, a woman at my old church recommended me to read a book because it reminded her of me. The Lord has since used this book, Kisses from Katie, to minister to my heart and encourage me to expect big things from my Big God. The similarities between me and this woman freaked me out. In the biography Katie forsakes the expectations of her parents, her family, her boyfriend, and her friends for the sake of Christ. After spending 3 December weeks in Africa (about the same amount of time I spent in Africa this December), her heart is stirred to return to the mission field. Leaving everything behind, even the love of her life, she followed Jesus to Uganda. She found the true Love of her Life, Jesus Christ, by following him on the greatest adventure of all. Similar to her first experience of returning to the States from Uganda, I feel that "Though the red soil eventually wore off the soles of my feet, [Malawi] never left my heart and was never far from my mind." The Lord had similarly used my time in Malawi to draw me closer to His heart and to inspire dreams of a sold-out life for Him.

I am by no way perfect. I fail constantly. I definitely have failed in how I handled different experiences over the past year. Yet, I have also never felt closer to the Lord. I have never felt so on fire with Love for my Savior. I have never wanted to wake up at the crack of dawn to spend hours in the Word with Jesus. I have never been so content and satisfied with singleness - to the point that the idea of a life devoted to Jesus would satisfy and overwhelm my desire for marriage if He called me to singleness on earth. As I write this post, I have the song, Give Me by Kirk Franklin, on repeat. This song is the cry of my heart: that Jesus would give me that joy I can't explain [...] as much of Him that I can take...Give me that. My desire for Jesus far outweighs my desire for the calling that He has placed on my life. If he took the calling away, I know I wouldn't regret what happened this year because it led me deeper into the heart of Christ. I want to delight myself in the Lord - to find my fullness of Joy in Him. I want to delight in His ways. So, I commit my calling and my ways to him, trusting him and knowing that He will establish my next steps. So, whether or not I travel around the world for Jesus' glory, I know that I will travel further up and further in into the Heart of God. No thing or man can compare to that.

Check out the song mentioned in the post by clicking the link below (it's off the hook):

Kirk Franklin || Give Me

Every day, we have a choice.

We can stay nestled in our safe comfortable places [...]

We can let fear of something that really is small compared to the greatness of God cripple us.

Or we can take a risk,

do something to help someone else,

make a person smile,

change someone's world.

Life to the fullest exists.

It's available.

All we have to do is decided to get up and embrace it.

Katie Davis, Kisses from Katie