So much more.

The Zitha House (St. Gabriel's guesthouse)

My bedroom in the Zitha House 

For I was hungry and you gave me food,

I was thirsty and you gave me drink,

I was a stranger and you welcomed me,

I was naked and you clothed me,

I was sick and you visited me,

I was in prison and you came to me.

Matthew 25:35-36 (Read at St. Gabriel's Hospital's morning meetings)

So much more.

I rarely dream. I'm an extremely heavy sleeper (and can sleep just about anywhere), so to dream is usually a special occasion. Typically it means that I am either stressed out (which is the most common reason) or I am ecstatically happy. These dreams either involve a wolf chase (Beauty & the Beast instilled a fear of wolves), or a Cinderella romance (Disney had a large influence on my dream-life). Rarely do these dreams impact my life, besides making me want to watch my childhood movies. So, when I had a dream in Malawi that challenged how I view myself, my faith and my service, I knew it was significant - I knew it was from the Lord.

My dream was about treating patients at St. Gabriel's Hospital. It was vivid: I could see the hospital, the Zitha house (the hospital guesthouse), and my bedroom in such detail that it felt real. In my dream all my senses were heightened. It was an extremely busy and hot day at the hospital, such that I could smell the dirt and the disease on the patients. It was nauseating. Patients were lined up and down the street, trying to enter the hospital. At the end of the day a crowd of patients followed us home to the Zitha house. We tried to tell them to come back to the hospital mawa(tomorrow) because we were exhausted from the busy day at the hospital. Yet, after much pleading, we resolved to treat a few patients on our front porch.

Then I heard the voice of the Lord convicting me, saying, "How much more can you serve them?" So, I decided to treat them in the house, warning the patients not to touch anything because they were filthy. Yet again, the Lord said, "How much more can you serve them?" So, I let them sit in the living room chairs to rest. Yet again, the Lord said, "How much more, Carolyn?" So, I invited them to my room and let them sit at my desk. But still the Lord persisted, "Carolyn, how much more?" So I let them sit on my bed. I felt myself cringing at the thought of their dirty pants and bleeding hands touching my sheets. Yet, it was not close enough for the Lord. Again he insisted, "Carolyn, daughter, how much more can you serve them?" So, finally, I let them lie down in my bed, resting their heads on my pillow. I complained to the Lord, "God, that is my pillow and now it is filthy and I could get sick or dirty." Yet, the Lord did not answer.

I woke up from this dream as if it were a nightmare. My heart raced, my face sweaty. My stomach was in knots. I cringed as I remembered the smells and the blood from my dream, yet I winced at the state of my heart. The Lord had called me out. He had revealed the line between my heart for service and my desire for self-preservation. He showed me that in his kingdom he would abolish this division. He was calling me to serve so much more than I ever imagined - to serve to the point of intimacy, to serve to the point of no boundaries, no privacy. He revealed a part of myself that I had hidden from my dreams of philanthropy and ministry. Yet, it is a part of my heart that needs to be destroyed in order to fulfill the dreams he has placed on my life.

I am still challenged by this dream. I am challenged to search my heart with the Lord and uncover those areas which are deterring me from truly loving, truly serving my brothers and sisters. I don't know what to expect or to anticipate. I just know that the Lord is calling me to so much more than my heart is currently willing to offer.

I share this dream to challenge you, the reader, to search your own heart with the Lord, to uncover and uproot the fears and the prejudices that are preventing you from being the body of Christ to those around you. We all have our imaginary boundary between service and selfishness. The Lord wants to destroy those boundaries. He wants to mold us into the image of Christ - to be the body of Christ, to have the mind of Christ. He is calling us to so much more than we ever imagined (or ever wanted to imagine). It's a calling that is as beautiful and exhilarating as it is challenging and heartbreaking. Can you hear his call? Will you respond to his call for so much more? 

Christ has no body on earth but yours,

no hands but yours,

no feet but yours.

Yours are the eyes through which Christ's compassion for the world is to look out;

yours are the feet with which he is to go about doing good;

and yours are the hands with which he is to bless us now.

St. Teresa of Avila